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puss_nd_bootsTitle: The Camera Eye: Fear Itself
Chapter: Installment 81 overall in The Camera Eye series. Links to previous installments can be found here.
Author: Boots
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Porn industry AU, drama, smut, romance
Warnings: Male/male sex, spanking, sex toys
Pairing: Hitomi (Moran) x Jun (Gotcharocka)
Disclaimer: The now-disbanded Moran were property of SpeedDisk, Gotcharocka is property of God Child Records, I own the story only.
Summary: Hitomi is usually very much in the mood for love when he and Jun get together – until one night when the mood vanishes entirely. Jun tries to find out why – and learns Hitomi is dealing with something that he finds quite embarrassing . . .
Notes: Written for vkyaoi's October challenge, Your Darkest Fears. The fear used here is dentophobia, and it's something I've personally dealt with for most of my life. My experience and reactions are pretty much the same as Hitomi's here.
The term “Date Night” might not mean a hell of a lot to most people – it was usually associated with young couples going out for dinner and a movie, completely innocent stuff. If you were a member of the Jui/Jun/Toya or Subaru/Tomoya/Junji/Mahiro households, however, it had an entirely different meaning.
Date Night was when each of them got to be with the person they were in a relationship with outside of their primary group. It usually meant a lot of advanced coordination and logistics – mostly involving which couple was using which residence. But it was most definitely worth it to have a night you could spend with what Junji usually called “Your other significant other.”
Such was the polyamorous lifestyle – at least the lifestyle the way they lived it.
In Jun's case, the person he'd go to see was Hitomi – or else, Hitomi would come to him. (He still lived primarily in a house in Kugenuma Beach, but he was renting a small apartment in central Tokyo that he used while he was shooting videos.)
Hitomi was gorgeous enough that one night a week never felt like enough. But they would make the most of that night – always. They'd meet at the door of the place they were using that night and immediately kiss passionately, and more often than not, would end up directly in the bedroom. A couple of heated rounds of lovemaking later, they would go to the living room, watch a movie and order pizza or takeout, and then later, head back to the bedroom.
Yes, Date Nights were enjoyable to the extreme. Everyone around Jun could always tell when one was coming up, because he'd look very happy indeed – positively giddy, in fact.
And so, on one night in particular, Jun went to Hitomi's place practically bouncing with anticipation, looking to get swept away with passion like he did before . . .
Only to have Hitomi open the door and not even kiss him. “Hi,” he said. “Come in – I have a movie cued up for us.”
“Um . . . okay?” Jun walked in. Well, this was strange. Going straight to Netflix and chill? This . . . wasn't like him.
“I'll get you something to drink,” Hitomi said, heading for the kitchen. “I've got a few movies for us tonight, in fact.”
“A few?” Jun looked baffled.
“Well, yes,” Hitomi said. “We've both had a long week, right? So I thought we'd take it easy tonight.”
Okay, he had a point there, they'd both been working very hard – their first video together, a romantic erotica drama called Ash, had just come out, and they had been promoting it. But still . . .
Maybe he's just not in the mood, he thought. Maybe he's tired. But I can't help but think there's something more to it. There's something odd about his demeanor – the way he's holding himself. It's like he's carrying an enormous burden of some sort. He looks almost like he's in pain.
“Hitomi?” Jun said. “Is everything okay?”
“Of course,” the other man said, quickly, bringing out two bottles of beer. “Everything is fine.”
“Because, well, this doesn't seem . . . like you. And you don't LOOK fine.”
“No, it's okay,” Hitomi said, even more quickly. “Should we order food?”
Jun crossed his arms across his chest. “All right,” he said. “Out with it.”
“Out with what?”
“Every time we've been together, you've always kissed me first,” Jun said. “And then we made love. Okay, not everyone is in the mood all the time, and you're right that we've been working hard, but . . . I can't help but feel that there's something going on. Something you don't want to tell me.”
Hitomi looked away. “It's not important,” he said.
“It's important to me!” Jun said. “If anything is wrong, physically or emotionally, I want to help! It's not that you're having second thoughts about going back to videos, is it?”
“Are you kidding?” Hitomi said. “That's the best decision I've made in years! No, that's not it.”
“Then what is it? Are you sick?”
“Not . . . sick,” Hitomi said, quietly.
“Then what is it?” Jun said. “Are you hurt?”
Hitomi took a deep breath and looked straight at him. “I guess you can say that,” he said. “I . . . I broke a piece off a molar.”
“That's it?” Jun said. “Really? How big a piece?”
“Not very. Just big enough that it makes me afraid to chew there,” Hitomi said.
“That's nothing!” Jun said. “Just call the dentist in the morning and they'll fix you right up!” And then he saw how the other man flinched when he said “dentist.” It was the face of a man who was about to be hit, the stereotypical deer-in-the-headlights terrified stare.
Oh, my God, he thought, is that it? Is he . . .
“Hitomi,” he said, “are you afraid of the dentist?”
Hitomi handed him his beer, sat on the couch . . . and deflated. Just completely sagged into the seat like a rag doll.
“Don't tell anyone,” he said in a quiet voice.
“I won't,” Jun said, gently. Oh, shit, now he felt like a heel. He had no idea when he'd pronounced the broken tooth “nothing” how the other man felt. If Hitomi was a dentalphobe, it was most definitely “something.”
“It's just . . .” Hitomi looked away. “I'm always so calm and so in control. I've always been. Everyone sees me as strong and dignified and classy. And yet, when it comes to dental stuff . . . I'm like a little child. I just need to be in a dentist's office and my heart starts beating fast – not in the good way. And if the drill comes out? I flat-out panic.” He looked down. “It's not something I'm proud of.”
Jun couldn't believe what he was hearing. Not the fear itself – the fact that Hitomi was so embarrassed about it. “We all have fears,” he said. “They don't have to be rational. There's nothing at all wrong with what you're feeling. It's a common fear.”
“It's a stupid fear,” Hitomi said. “I don't know anyone else who has it. I know so many guys in the business who've had all kinds of dental work done – caps, bleaching, the works – just to look better on-camera. And, well, I nearly have a heart attack if I even have to have X-rays.” He paused. “Every company I've ever worked for has required regular dental checkups as part of their health program. If it wasn't for that, I don't think I'd ever go.”
“Have you had a lot of work done?” Jun said.
Hitomi shook his head. “I have healthy teeth, for the most part. I've had fillings, mostly when I was younger. But I don't have a lot of work – thank God. If I had to face a drill all the time? I'd probably have had a heart attack by now.” He covered his face with his hands. “Oh, God, I can't believe I'm talking about this.”
“You're talking about this because you need to talk about it.” Jun gently put a hand on his shoulder. “You haven't before, have you?”
Hitomi shook his head, slowly bringing his hands down. “Not for a long time,” he said. “I talked about it with Kamijo when we were dating. He actually said he'd go with me and hold my hand while I had a cavity filled.” He chuckled softly. “That's how I knew we were in it for the long haul.”
“And you haven't told anyone since?” Jun said. “I feel honored.”
“I feel comfortable around you,” Hitomi said. “That's why I was able to open up. Around you, I don't feel like I always have to be the porn star or the business owner - whichever mode I'm in at the moment. And neither mode should be having childish fears.”
“It isn't childish!” Jun said. “It's serious to you, isn't it? You feel genuine fear when you have to have something done to your teeth. It's okay. Really. You just need to own the fear. Don't be ashamed of it.” He paused. “I'll bet if you stopped 50 people on the street, they'd tell you 50 different fears that they have which they regard as, well, childish.”
“What about you?” Hitomi said. “Do you have anything like that?”
“You bet!” Jun said. “I'm terrified of centipedes.”
“Centipedes?” Hitomi said.
“If one of them crawls into our apartment, I'll completely freak out and keep freaking until Jui or Toya gets rid of it,” Jun said. “I ruined a sex scene in a video once because a centipede crawled onto the bed and I flew into near-hysterics. I had to beg the director not to include it in the DVD Extras, even though everyone around me thought it was hilarious. It wasn't hilarious to me! It was, well . . .”
“Humiliating?” Hitomi said.
“Yes,” Jun said. “Very.”
“That's how I feel,” Hitomi said. “The idea of anyone finding out is extremely humiliating. Almost as humiliating as, well, the idea of telling the dentist office's staff myself.”
“But you SHOULD tell them!” Jun said. “You don't have to worry about your image there! You don't have to play the part of the cool porn star OR the responsible business owner! You're just the patient – and if they know you're scared, they'll go out of their way to make you more comfortable!”
“I know,” Hitomi said. He took a deep breath. “I sometimes wonder if the worst fear of all is the fear of people finding out what you're afraid of.”
“Maybe it is,” Jun said. “The important thing is you admit your fear, right? To me, and to yourself – and ultimately, to the dental staff.” He paused. “Hell, I'll even repeat Kamijo's offer. I'll go with you and hold your hand if that's what it takes. And I won't think any less of you afterward.”
Hitomi suddenly hugged him. “You're something else. You really are. Do you know how lucky Jui and Toya are to have you?”
Jun hugged him back, thinking that it was a shame that Hitomi currently had no primary significant other. I have to remedy that, he thought. I have to introduce him to someone I know . . . but who?
“I know that I'm lucky to have met you,” he said.
“And you'll really go with me to hold my hand?”
“Really,” Jun said. “We'll make sure you get an appointment when both of us are free.”
There was a pause, and then Hitomi said, “You didn't ask the obvious question.”
“What obvious question?” Jun said.
“Why I was able to get my tattoo and deal with all those needles, yet I can't sit in a dentist's chair without panicking.”
“I didn't have to,” Jun said. “Phobias are usually very specific. I'm sure you were okay with the tattoo needles. You're probably okay with regular medical stuff, too. It's just dentistry that gets to you.”
“Well, yes,” Hitomi said. He leaned his head against Jun's. “It's just the one thing. Maybe that's why I'm so embarrassed by it.”
“Don't be,” Jun said. “You're not any less of a cool person because of it. Or, for that matter, less of a man. Whoever got the idea that men aren't supposed to be afraid of things needs to be smacked with something, hard.”
“I'll be the first one to do the smacking,” Hitomi said.
Jun kissed Hitomi's forehead softly – avoiding his lips. If there was any pain involved, he didn't want to make it worse. “We'll just do Netflix and chill tonight. And then after you've had the procedure, and whatever work you need has settled down, we'll do a bonus date night. I'm sure Toya and Jui won't mind.”
“Did I mention how lucky they were to have you?” Hitomi said.
Not as lucky as whoever's going to end up with you, Jun thought. And he had to admit he felt more than a little jealous of the person.
* * *
Being someone's support during a dental situation was definitely a first for Jun. Score one more chapter of the exciting life of a porn star.
He kept his promise to Hitomi that he'd hold his hand throughout the procedure – and that he'd help explain his lover's fears to the dentist, who was quite understanding and accommodating. He even explained to them that dentophobia was actually a form of post traumatic stress disorder, and usually resulted from a bad dental experience in the past.
“I had a dentist when I was a child who was, well, not good with kids,” Hitomi said. “He was very cold – and he even yelled at me if I cried. When my mother found out, she switched dentists, but by then, the damage had been done. I haven't been able to go to a dentist comfortably since.”
“There you go. That's what caused it,” the dentist said. “And no matter how good the care you had afterward is, your mind keeps going back to the bad memories. It's okay. It's nothing to be ashamed of – none of it was in your control. We'll deal with it. We'll take it easy, and if you feel uncomfortable, tell me and we'll take a break.”
Fortunately, the damage to the tooth was not extensive – the dentist was able to fix it with bonding material, and the process involved minimal drilling. Hitomi still breathed a sign of relief when it was over – but at least he felt a bit better about it all.
Afterward, they both had to go to a promotional interview. You would have never known that Hitomi had been facing a major fear – he looked confident and relaxed, like the person he always seemed to be in public.
A couple of hours later, they went for dinner together – at a coffee shop where Hitomi could get something soft and easy to eat. And finally, they went back to Hitomi's place for the bonus date night.
“I have to thank you,” he said as soon as they entered. “You were great today – on several levels. You . . . you really did let me be me.”
“Of course I did,” Jun said. “Because you are a wonderful person. Really. Fears and all.”
“No, you're the wonderful person,” Hitomi said. “And, well, I feel like I need to make up to you not being able to do anything last night.”
“Don't pressure yourself,” Jun said. “If you don't feel up to it . . .”
Hitomi suddenly grabbed him in his arms and kissed him, hard. Apparently, having just had a molar fixed wasn't affecting his ability to do that. Jun kissed him back, hard, pulling him closer, and then leaned back, slowly.
“Then again,” Jun said, “if you DO feel up to it . . . I'm not going to object.”
“Why don't we try it and see where it goes?” Hitomi said, playfully.
“I can think of several places I'd like it to go,” Jun said. “For example . . .”
Not too long after, Jun was where he wanted to be, all right – on his knees in front of Hitomi, both of them very much naked. He ran his tongue slowly up his lover's erection, stroking it bottom to top, then moving back and forth across the tip, looking upward at Hitomi through lustful, half-lidded eyes.
He wrapped his lips around the tip, sucked a little, pulled back, then lowered his head again, moving down slowly until it was sliding deep in his mouth. He heard the other man let out a long, slow moan, and a delicious shudder ran through his body – he knew he was getting the reaction he wanted.
Jun took his time. He sucked gently, moving back and forth as his hands stroked his lover's thighs, teasing the sensitive flesh – and listening for a reaction.
It was always a lovely thing to be doing this with no cameras. Well, doing it for an audience had its own thrills, of course, but there was nothing like being able to focus all your attention on the person – or persons – you were pleasuring, and not worry about how it all looked.
As he moved faster, thrusting down on the erection harder, all he could think of was how it felt, the wonderful sensation of hardness sliding through his lips, the heat of the other man's body, the slight trembling of those thighs as he swirled his tongue over the very tip of the erection.
“You really are beautiful when you do that,” Hitomi murmured.
Jun eased back just long enough so he could say, “That's because I love doing it so much,” before he stroked his tongue from bottom to top again . . . and then stood up, turning around and bending over, putting his ass on full display for the other man. “I like doing this, too,” he said. “Letting you look at every part of me.”
“That's a beautiful part of you.” Hitomi swatted his ass playfully. “A VERY beautiful part.” He gently spanked the other side, and Jun leaned back, purring, inviting more intimate contact. Hitomi cupped his hands over both cheeks, squeezing gently.
“I know just the thing for you,” Hitomi said. “I'll be right back.”
Jun remained in the position as he heard Hitomi rush off toward the bedroom. Off to get condoms and lube, of course, Jun thought – but was there something else?
Indeed, when the other man came back, he said, “Don't look. Just stay like that for now.” Jun stayed in place, taking deep breaths of anticipation. Sure enough, he felt fingers start to gently probe him, and he moved his legs apart wider, tilting his hips backward.
Hitomi moved a second finger into him, and then a third, pulling them back slowly, then pushing them forward, spreading them apart slowly – and Jun restrained himself from saying, “Hurry up!” He was eager for it, for whatever the other man had planned.
The very fact that Hitomi was being so playful and adventurous meant that he was feeling more like himself again, that he was relaxed and inventive and sexy. And that made Jun not only hot, it made him feel pretty damn proud as well – because he knew that he'd had a hand in getting the other man past those negative emotions that had plagued him.
The fingers slid out, and there was something pressing against his entrance. It was solid, but cool instead of warm, and it was sliding into him bit by bit . . .
“You remember this, don't you?” Hitomi said in a low, sexy voice. “Your favorite prop from the shoot.”
Oh, God. In the video they had just done together there had been a scene involving Jun's character and a sex toy, where he'd used it while fantasizing about Hitomi's character. Hitomi had asked the propmaster if he could take it home – toys were usually sent home with the actors anyway, as reusing toys was rather, well, inadvisable at best – but he wanted to make sure he had it on hand to use on Jun.
“I remember,” Jun murmured. “Oh, God, I remember.”
“So, you know what it can do?” Hitomi said. He held out his hand within Jun's line of vision so the pink-haired man could see he was holding the remote for the toy's vibrating function.
“Yes,” Jun moaned.
“So . . . you want . . . this?” Hitomi turned it on the lowest setting, and Jun began to feel a slow, steady buzzing within his body, stimulating the nerve endings, sending tingles running through his body, stealing from his ass to the tips of his fingers and toes.
“You do like this, don't you?” Hitomi said, starting to thrust the toy slowly. “I watched the rushes of you using this, and it was so hot, so damn lustful . . . when were were doing the scene together later, I kept thinking about you using the toy.”
“Oh, yes,” Jun moaned, starting to thrust against the thing as it moved in and out of him faster, and Hitomi turned it up, slowly, the speed of vibration increasing, becoming more of a throb and less of a buzz. It was pulsing, pulsing like a living thing, and it was rubbing against sensitive spots within him, turning them into pinpoints of fiery sensation.
Jun was moving against it hard now, and Hitomi was pumping it faster, murmuring, “Fuck yourself on it just like you want it. It's all for you. Take in as much as you want . . . and I'm going to watch it move in and out of that ass, it's such a hot sight . . .”
The dirty talk just intensified things. Jun wriggled his hips, trying to get the toy to hit his most intense pleasure spots, thrusting against it harder, wanting to give Hitomi the visual he craved, the sight of the thing moving in and out rapidly . . .
And then the switch was pushed again, and the thing started throbbing even more intensely, definitely feeling like it was setting Jun aflame from within. He moved against it hard, trying to get it to hit his sweetest spot.
Hitomi's hand was around his cock, stroking it in rhythm to the thrusts, and Jun moved against that, too, thrusting himself through the grip, the fresh wave of pleasure just making him quiver all over . . .
And then, the toy hit that spot, and the explosion was instant and intense. Jun nearly screamed as pleasure overwhelmed him, feeling like a fire rushing through his body. The waves passed through him again and again, until he felt limp.
The toy slid out of him, and he collapsed to his knees on the floor, panting loudly. Hitomi leaned over, kissing his lips, gently, and Jun kissed back with eagerness.
God, Jun thought, this man was amazing. He not only was sweet, sensitive and unafraid to express his fears, but he wielded a sex toy like a kendo master wielding a sword.
Hitomi stood back up, and Jun felt something hard pressing against his lips. Yes, he was being invited to finish what he started before, and dammit, he was going to do it, he was going to give back the pleasure he'd just received.
He moved down on that cock, sucking it hard, going deeper with every thrust, feeling it push into his throat, and he welcomed it. When Hitomi started to move his hips, pushing himself into Jun's lips, Jun thought, yes, yes, fuck my mouth, let me suck you dry, draw every bit of come from you.
His mouth was being invaded in the best way, and he felt almost overwhelmed by it, the feeling of hardness plunging over his lips and tongue and the musky scent and taste and the way that Hitomi grabbed his hair, almost pulling it – but it was the best kind of overwhelmed. He'd do anything this man wanted right now.
When Hitomi's breathing got more ragged, and Jun felt him stiffen, he pulled back right before his lover cried out, wanting the come to flow all over his face. Nothing else would feel appropriate. He licked at it as it poured over his lips.
Now it was Hitomi's turn to sag to the floor with his energy wrung from him by pleasure. The two men kissed, passionately, and Jun wrapped his arms around Hitomi, leaning his head on his shoulder.
“That made the whole day worth it,” Hitomi said. “Thank you.”
“I think that made my whole WEEK worth it,” Jun panted. “Wow.”
Somewhere in the back of his pleasure-fogged brain was a voice saying that what had just happened between them was the best thing in the world for Hitomi – he had been in control of the proceedings through almost the entire act. He'd been strong, sexy, brave and powerful – driving the last of the negative emotions associated with the fear from him.
Hitomi must have sensed that, because he suddenly hugged Jun closer and said, “I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you. You helped me face something that's not easy to face.” He paused. “And I don't mean the drill. I mean the fear.”
“It was my pleasure,” Jun said, hugging him tighter. “And don't worry about the fear. That's what makes us human.” He reached up and stroked Hitomi's hair out of his face. “But remember that I'm here when you need me. Always.”
He definitely needs someone to be his primary, Jun thought. Someone who can make him the center of his universe. And I'm going to do everything I can to make that happen.
But for now, they were going to enjoy the moment – and Hitomi's victory over his fear.
* * *
On the next Date Night, Hitomi greeted Jun at the door with a long, hot kiss. Now that was a contrast from last week, Jun thought. “Well,” he said as he leaned back. “I'm happy to see you, too.”
“You can show me how happy, you know,” Hitomi said, moving in for another kiss. Jun reciprocated eagerly, his arms wrapping tighter around the other man.
“Oh, I plan to,” Jun said. “Just let me put this in the fridge first.” He held up a long, tall bag. “It's a bottle of wine for later. Got a really good deal on it.”
“I'll enjoy it. After we enjoy each other, of course,” Hitomi said. As Jun put the bottle in the fridge, he added, “By the way – my dentist's office called the other day to see how I was doing. And they said to thank you.”
“Really?” Jun said.
“They said it was the most relaxed they'd ever seen me for a procedure,” Hitomi said. “The nurse I spoke to said she wished they could bottle whatever magic you used on me and spread it around to all their patients.”
Jun smiled to himself. There was magic that helped him overcome that fear, definitely – but it was a very private kind of magic, the kind two or three people kept between themselves.
“I think you can tell them thanks for the offer, but my magic isn't for sale,” Jun said. “It only gets used on special people. Very special.”
And, he thought, they didn't come much more special than Hitomi.
Chapter: Installment 81 overall in The Camera Eye series. Links to previous installments can be found here.
Author: Boots
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Porn industry AU, drama, smut, romance
Warnings: Male/male sex, spanking, sex toys
Pairing: Hitomi (Moran) x Jun (Gotcharocka)
Disclaimer: The now-disbanded Moran were property of SpeedDisk, Gotcharocka is property of God Child Records, I own the story only.
Summary: Hitomi is usually very much in the mood for love when he and Jun get together – until one night when the mood vanishes entirely. Jun tries to find out why – and learns Hitomi is dealing with something that he finds quite embarrassing . . .
Notes: Written for vkyaoi's October challenge, Your Darkest Fears. The fear used here is dentophobia, and it's something I've personally dealt with for most of my life. My experience and reactions are pretty much the same as Hitomi's here.
The term “Date Night” might not mean a hell of a lot to most people – it was usually associated with young couples going out for dinner and a movie, completely innocent stuff. If you were a member of the Jui/Jun/Toya or Subaru/Tomoya/Junji/Mahiro households, however, it had an entirely different meaning.
Date Night was when each of them got to be with the person they were in a relationship with outside of their primary group. It usually meant a lot of advanced coordination and logistics – mostly involving which couple was using which residence. But it was most definitely worth it to have a night you could spend with what Junji usually called “Your other significant other.”
Such was the polyamorous lifestyle – at least the lifestyle the way they lived it.
In Jun's case, the person he'd go to see was Hitomi – or else, Hitomi would come to him. (He still lived primarily in a house in Kugenuma Beach, but he was renting a small apartment in central Tokyo that he used while he was shooting videos.)
Hitomi was gorgeous enough that one night a week never felt like enough. But they would make the most of that night – always. They'd meet at the door of the place they were using that night and immediately kiss passionately, and more often than not, would end up directly in the bedroom. A couple of heated rounds of lovemaking later, they would go to the living room, watch a movie and order pizza or takeout, and then later, head back to the bedroom.
Yes, Date Nights were enjoyable to the extreme. Everyone around Jun could always tell when one was coming up, because he'd look very happy indeed – positively giddy, in fact.
And so, on one night in particular, Jun went to Hitomi's place practically bouncing with anticipation, looking to get swept away with passion like he did before . . .
Only to have Hitomi open the door and not even kiss him. “Hi,” he said. “Come in – I have a movie cued up for us.”
“Um . . . okay?” Jun walked in. Well, this was strange. Going straight to Netflix and chill? This . . . wasn't like him.
“I'll get you something to drink,” Hitomi said, heading for the kitchen. “I've got a few movies for us tonight, in fact.”
“A few?” Jun looked baffled.
“Well, yes,” Hitomi said. “We've both had a long week, right? So I thought we'd take it easy tonight.”
Okay, he had a point there, they'd both been working very hard – their first video together, a romantic erotica drama called Ash, had just come out, and they had been promoting it. But still . . .
Maybe he's just not in the mood, he thought. Maybe he's tired. But I can't help but think there's something more to it. There's something odd about his demeanor – the way he's holding himself. It's like he's carrying an enormous burden of some sort. He looks almost like he's in pain.
“Hitomi?” Jun said. “Is everything okay?”
“Of course,” the other man said, quickly, bringing out two bottles of beer. “Everything is fine.”
“Because, well, this doesn't seem . . . like you. And you don't LOOK fine.”
“No, it's okay,” Hitomi said, even more quickly. “Should we order food?”
Jun crossed his arms across his chest. “All right,” he said. “Out with it.”
“Out with what?”
“Every time we've been together, you've always kissed me first,” Jun said. “And then we made love. Okay, not everyone is in the mood all the time, and you're right that we've been working hard, but . . . I can't help but feel that there's something going on. Something you don't want to tell me.”
Hitomi looked away. “It's not important,” he said.
“It's important to me!” Jun said. “If anything is wrong, physically or emotionally, I want to help! It's not that you're having second thoughts about going back to videos, is it?”
“Are you kidding?” Hitomi said. “That's the best decision I've made in years! No, that's not it.”
“Then what is it? Are you sick?”
“Not . . . sick,” Hitomi said, quietly.
“Then what is it?” Jun said. “Are you hurt?”
Hitomi took a deep breath and looked straight at him. “I guess you can say that,” he said. “I . . . I broke a piece off a molar.”
“That's it?” Jun said. “Really? How big a piece?”
“Not very. Just big enough that it makes me afraid to chew there,” Hitomi said.
“That's nothing!” Jun said. “Just call the dentist in the morning and they'll fix you right up!” And then he saw how the other man flinched when he said “dentist.” It was the face of a man who was about to be hit, the stereotypical deer-in-the-headlights terrified stare.
Oh, my God, he thought, is that it? Is he . . .
“Hitomi,” he said, “are you afraid of the dentist?”
Hitomi handed him his beer, sat on the couch . . . and deflated. Just completely sagged into the seat like a rag doll.
“Don't tell anyone,” he said in a quiet voice.
“I won't,” Jun said, gently. Oh, shit, now he felt like a heel. He had no idea when he'd pronounced the broken tooth “nothing” how the other man felt. If Hitomi was a dentalphobe, it was most definitely “something.”
“It's just . . .” Hitomi looked away. “I'm always so calm and so in control. I've always been. Everyone sees me as strong and dignified and classy. And yet, when it comes to dental stuff . . . I'm like a little child. I just need to be in a dentist's office and my heart starts beating fast – not in the good way. And if the drill comes out? I flat-out panic.” He looked down. “It's not something I'm proud of.”
Jun couldn't believe what he was hearing. Not the fear itself – the fact that Hitomi was so embarrassed about it. “We all have fears,” he said. “They don't have to be rational. There's nothing at all wrong with what you're feeling. It's a common fear.”
“It's a stupid fear,” Hitomi said. “I don't know anyone else who has it. I know so many guys in the business who've had all kinds of dental work done – caps, bleaching, the works – just to look better on-camera. And, well, I nearly have a heart attack if I even have to have X-rays.” He paused. “Every company I've ever worked for has required regular dental checkups as part of their health program. If it wasn't for that, I don't think I'd ever go.”
“Have you had a lot of work done?” Jun said.
Hitomi shook his head. “I have healthy teeth, for the most part. I've had fillings, mostly when I was younger. But I don't have a lot of work – thank God. If I had to face a drill all the time? I'd probably have had a heart attack by now.” He covered his face with his hands. “Oh, God, I can't believe I'm talking about this.”
“You're talking about this because you need to talk about it.” Jun gently put a hand on his shoulder. “You haven't before, have you?”
Hitomi shook his head, slowly bringing his hands down. “Not for a long time,” he said. “I talked about it with Kamijo when we were dating. He actually said he'd go with me and hold my hand while I had a cavity filled.” He chuckled softly. “That's how I knew we were in it for the long haul.”
“And you haven't told anyone since?” Jun said. “I feel honored.”
“I feel comfortable around you,” Hitomi said. “That's why I was able to open up. Around you, I don't feel like I always have to be the porn star or the business owner - whichever mode I'm in at the moment. And neither mode should be having childish fears.”
“It isn't childish!” Jun said. “It's serious to you, isn't it? You feel genuine fear when you have to have something done to your teeth. It's okay. Really. You just need to own the fear. Don't be ashamed of it.” He paused. “I'll bet if you stopped 50 people on the street, they'd tell you 50 different fears that they have which they regard as, well, childish.”
“What about you?” Hitomi said. “Do you have anything like that?”
“You bet!” Jun said. “I'm terrified of centipedes.”
“Centipedes?” Hitomi said.
“If one of them crawls into our apartment, I'll completely freak out and keep freaking until Jui or Toya gets rid of it,” Jun said. “I ruined a sex scene in a video once because a centipede crawled onto the bed and I flew into near-hysterics. I had to beg the director not to include it in the DVD Extras, even though everyone around me thought it was hilarious. It wasn't hilarious to me! It was, well . . .”
“Humiliating?” Hitomi said.
“Yes,” Jun said. “Very.”
“That's how I feel,” Hitomi said. “The idea of anyone finding out is extremely humiliating. Almost as humiliating as, well, the idea of telling the dentist office's staff myself.”
“But you SHOULD tell them!” Jun said. “You don't have to worry about your image there! You don't have to play the part of the cool porn star OR the responsible business owner! You're just the patient – and if they know you're scared, they'll go out of their way to make you more comfortable!”
“I know,” Hitomi said. He took a deep breath. “I sometimes wonder if the worst fear of all is the fear of people finding out what you're afraid of.”
“Maybe it is,” Jun said. “The important thing is you admit your fear, right? To me, and to yourself – and ultimately, to the dental staff.” He paused. “Hell, I'll even repeat Kamijo's offer. I'll go with you and hold your hand if that's what it takes. And I won't think any less of you afterward.”
Hitomi suddenly hugged him. “You're something else. You really are. Do you know how lucky Jui and Toya are to have you?”
Jun hugged him back, thinking that it was a shame that Hitomi currently had no primary significant other. I have to remedy that, he thought. I have to introduce him to someone I know . . . but who?
“I know that I'm lucky to have met you,” he said.
“And you'll really go with me to hold my hand?”
“Really,” Jun said. “We'll make sure you get an appointment when both of us are free.”
There was a pause, and then Hitomi said, “You didn't ask the obvious question.”
“What obvious question?” Jun said.
“Why I was able to get my tattoo and deal with all those needles, yet I can't sit in a dentist's chair without panicking.”
“I didn't have to,” Jun said. “Phobias are usually very specific. I'm sure you were okay with the tattoo needles. You're probably okay with regular medical stuff, too. It's just dentistry that gets to you.”
“Well, yes,” Hitomi said. He leaned his head against Jun's. “It's just the one thing. Maybe that's why I'm so embarrassed by it.”
“Don't be,” Jun said. “You're not any less of a cool person because of it. Or, for that matter, less of a man. Whoever got the idea that men aren't supposed to be afraid of things needs to be smacked with something, hard.”
“I'll be the first one to do the smacking,” Hitomi said.
Jun kissed Hitomi's forehead softly – avoiding his lips. If there was any pain involved, he didn't want to make it worse. “We'll just do Netflix and chill tonight. And then after you've had the procedure, and whatever work you need has settled down, we'll do a bonus date night. I'm sure Toya and Jui won't mind.”
“Did I mention how lucky they were to have you?” Hitomi said.
Not as lucky as whoever's going to end up with you, Jun thought. And he had to admit he felt more than a little jealous of the person.
* * *
Being someone's support during a dental situation was definitely a first for Jun. Score one more chapter of the exciting life of a porn star.
He kept his promise to Hitomi that he'd hold his hand throughout the procedure – and that he'd help explain his lover's fears to the dentist, who was quite understanding and accommodating. He even explained to them that dentophobia was actually a form of post traumatic stress disorder, and usually resulted from a bad dental experience in the past.
“I had a dentist when I was a child who was, well, not good with kids,” Hitomi said. “He was very cold – and he even yelled at me if I cried. When my mother found out, she switched dentists, but by then, the damage had been done. I haven't been able to go to a dentist comfortably since.”
“There you go. That's what caused it,” the dentist said. “And no matter how good the care you had afterward is, your mind keeps going back to the bad memories. It's okay. It's nothing to be ashamed of – none of it was in your control. We'll deal with it. We'll take it easy, and if you feel uncomfortable, tell me and we'll take a break.”
Fortunately, the damage to the tooth was not extensive – the dentist was able to fix it with bonding material, and the process involved minimal drilling. Hitomi still breathed a sign of relief when it was over – but at least he felt a bit better about it all.
Afterward, they both had to go to a promotional interview. You would have never known that Hitomi had been facing a major fear – he looked confident and relaxed, like the person he always seemed to be in public.
A couple of hours later, they went for dinner together – at a coffee shop where Hitomi could get something soft and easy to eat. And finally, they went back to Hitomi's place for the bonus date night.
“I have to thank you,” he said as soon as they entered. “You were great today – on several levels. You . . . you really did let me be me.”
“Of course I did,” Jun said. “Because you are a wonderful person. Really. Fears and all.”
“No, you're the wonderful person,” Hitomi said. “And, well, I feel like I need to make up to you not being able to do anything last night.”
“Don't pressure yourself,” Jun said. “If you don't feel up to it . . .”
Hitomi suddenly grabbed him in his arms and kissed him, hard. Apparently, having just had a molar fixed wasn't affecting his ability to do that. Jun kissed him back, hard, pulling him closer, and then leaned back, slowly.
“Then again,” Jun said, “if you DO feel up to it . . . I'm not going to object.”
“Why don't we try it and see where it goes?” Hitomi said, playfully.
“I can think of several places I'd like it to go,” Jun said. “For example . . .”
Not too long after, Jun was where he wanted to be, all right – on his knees in front of Hitomi, both of them very much naked. He ran his tongue slowly up his lover's erection, stroking it bottom to top, then moving back and forth across the tip, looking upward at Hitomi through lustful, half-lidded eyes.
He wrapped his lips around the tip, sucked a little, pulled back, then lowered his head again, moving down slowly until it was sliding deep in his mouth. He heard the other man let out a long, slow moan, and a delicious shudder ran through his body – he knew he was getting the reaction he wanted.
Jun took his time. He sucked gently, moving back and forth as his hands stroked his lover's thighs, teasing the sensitive flesh – and listening for a reaction.
It was always a lovely thing to be doing this with no cameras. Well, doing it for an audience had its own thrills, of course, but there was nothing like being able to focus all your attention on the person – or persons – you were pleasuring, and not worry about how it all looked.
As he moved faster, thrusting down on the erection harder, all he could think of was how it felt, the wonderful sensation of hardness sliding through his lips, the heat of the other man's body, the slight trembling of those thighs as he swirled his tongue over the very tip of the erection.
“You really are beautiful when you do that,” Hitomi murmured.
Jun eased back just long enough so he could say, “That's because I love doing it so much,” before he stroked his tongue from bottom to top again . . . and then stood up, turning around and bending over, putting his ass on full display for the other man. “I like doing this, too,” he said. “Letting you look at every part of me.”
“That's a beautiful part of you.” Hitomi swatted his ass playfully. “A VERY beautiful part.” He gently spanked the other side, and Jun leaned back, purring, inviting more intimate contact. Hitomi cupped his hands over both cheeks, squeezing gently.
“I know just the thing for you,” Hitomi said. “I'll be right back.”
Jun remained in the position as he heard Hitomi rush off toward the bedroom. Off to get condoms and lube, of course, Jun thought – but was there something else?
Indeed, when the other man came back, he said, “Don't look. Just stay like that for now.” Jun stayed in place, taking deep breaths of anticipation. Sure enough, he felt fingers start to gently probe him, and he moved his legs apart wider, tilting his hips backward.
Hitomi moved a second finger into him, and then a third, pulling them back slowly, then pushing them forward, spreading them apart slowly – and Jun restrained himself from saying, “Hurry up!” He was eager for it, for whatever the other man had planned.
The very fact that Hitomi was being so playful and adventurous meant that he was feeling more like himself again, that he was relaxed and inventive and sexy. And that made Jun not only hot, it made him feel pretty damn proud as well – because he knew that he'd had a hand in getting the other man past those negative emotions that had plagued him.
The fingers slid out, and there was something pressing against his entrance. It was solid, but cool instead of warm, and it was sliding into him bit by bit . . .
“You remember this, don't you?” Hitomi said in a low, sexy voice. “Your favorite prop from the shoot.”
Oh, God. In the video they had just done together there had been a scene involving Jun's character and a sex toy, where he'd used it while fantasizing about Hitomi's character. Hitomi had asked the propmaster if he could take it home – toys were usually sent home with the actors anyway, as reusing toys was rather, well, inadvisable at best – but he wanted to make sure he had it on hand to use on Jun.
“I remember,” Jun murmured. “Oh, God, I remember.”
“So, you know what it can do?” Hitomi said. He held out his hand within Jun's line of vision so the pink-haired man could see he was holding the remote for the toy's vibrating function.
“Yes,” Jun moaned.
“So . . . you want . . . this?” Hitomi turned it on the lowest setting, and Jun began to feel a slow, steady buzzing within his body, stimulating the nerve endings, sending tingles running through his body, stealing from his ass to the tips of his fingers and toes.
“You do like this, don't you?” Hitomi said, starting to thrust the toy slowly. “I watched the rushes of you using this, and it was so hot, so damn lustful . . . when were were doing the scene together later, I kept thinking about you using the toy.”
“Oh, yes,” Jun moaned, starting to thrust against the thing as it moved in and out of him faster, and Hitomi turned it up, slowly, the speed of vibration increasing, becoming more of a throb and less of a buzz. It was pulsing, pulsing like a living thing, and it was rubbing against sensitive spots within him, turning them into pinpoints of fiery sensation.
Jun was moving against it hard now, and Hitomi was pumping it faster, murmuring, “Fuck yourself on it just like you want it. It's all for you. Take in as much as you want . . . and I'm going to watch it move in and out of that ass, it's such a hot sight . . .”
The dirty talk just intensified things. Jun wriggled his hips, trying to get the toy to hit his most intense pleasure spots, thrusting against it harder, wanting to give Hitomi the visual he craved, the sight of the thing moving in and out rapidly . . .
And then the switch was pushed again, and the thing started throbbing even more intensely, definitely feeling like it was setting Jun aflame from within. He moved against it hard, trying to get it to hit his sweetest spot.
Hitomi's hand was around his cock, stroking it in rhythm to the thrusts, and Jun moved against that, too, thrusting himself through the grip, the fresh wave of pleasure just making him quiver all over . . .
And then, the toy hit that spot, and the explosion was instant and intense. Jun nearly screamed as pleasure overwhelmed him, feeling like a fire rushing through his body. The waves passed through him again and again, until he felt limp.
The toy slid out of him, and he collapsed to his knees on the floor, panting loudly. Hitomi leaned over, kissing his lips, gently, and Jun kissed back with eagerness.
God, Jun thought, this man was amazing. He not only was sweet, sensitive and unafraid to express his fears, but he wielded a sex toy like a kendo master wielding a sword.
Hitomi stood back up, and Jun felt something hard pressing against his lips. Yes, he was being invited to finish what he started before, and dammit, he was going to do it, he was going to give back the pleasure he'd just received.
He moved down on that cock, sucking it hard, going deeper with every thrust, feeling it push into his throat, and he welcomed it. When Hitomi started to move his hips, pushing himself into Jun's lips, Jun thought, yes, yes, fuck my mouth, let me suck you dry, draw every bit of come from you.
His mouth was being invaded in the best way, and he felt almost overwhelmed by it, the feeling of hardness plunging over his lips and tongue and the musky scent and taste and the way that Hitomi grabbed his hair, almost pulling it – but it was the best kind of overwhelmed. He'd do anything this man wanted right now.
When Hitomi's breathing got more ragged, and Jun felt him stiffen, he pulled back right before his lover cried out, wanting the come to flow all over his face. Nothing else would feel appropriate. He licked at it as it poured over his lips.
Now it was Hitomi's turn to sag to the floor with his energy wrung from him by pleasure. The two men kissed, passionately, and Jun wrapped his arms around Hitomi, leaning his head on his shoulder.
“That made the whole day worth it,” Hitomi said. “Thank you.”
“I think that made my whole WEEK worth it,” Jun panted. “Wow.”
Somewhere in the back of his pleasure-fogged brain was a voice saying that what had just happened between them was the best thing in the world for Hitomi – he had been in control of the proceedings through almost the entire act. He'd been strong, sexy, brave and powerful – driving the last of the negative emotions associated with the fear from him.
Hitomi must have sensed that, because he suddenly hugged Jun closer and said, “I don't know what I'd do without you. Thank you. You helped me face something that's not easy to face.” He paused. “And I don't mean the drill. I mean the fear.”
“It was my pleasure,” Jun said, hugging him tighter. “And don't worry about the fear. That's what makes us human.” He reached up and stroked Hitomi's hair out of his face. “But remember that I'm here when you need me. Always.”
He definitely needs someone to be his primary, Jun thought. Someone who can make him the center of his universe. And I'm going to do everything I can to make that happen.
But for now, they were going to enjoy the moment – and Hitomi's victory over his fear.
* * *
On the next Date Night, Hitomi greeted Jun at the door with a long, hot kiss. Now that was a contrast from last week, Jun thought. “Well,” he said as he leaned back. “I'm happy to see you, too.”
“You can show me how happy, you know,” Hitomi said, moving in for another kiss. Jun reciprocated eagerly, his arms wrapping tighter around the other man.
“Oh, I plan to,” Jun said. “Just let me put this in the fridge first.” He held up a long, tall bag. “It's a bottle of wine for later. Got a really good deal on it.”
“I'll enjoy it. After we enjoy each other, of course,” Hitomi said. As Jun put the bottle in the fridge, he added, “By the way – my dentist's office called the other day to see how I was doing. And they said to thank you.”
“Really?” Jun said.
“They said it was the most relaxed they'd ever seen me for a procedure,” Hitomi said. “The nurse I spoke to said she wished they could bottle whatever magic you used on me and spread it around to all their patients.”
Jun smiled to himself. There was magic that helped him overcome that fear, definitely – but it was a very private kind of magic, the kind two or three people kept between themselves.
“I think you can tell them thanks for the offer, but my magic isn't for sale,” Jun said. “It only gets used on special people. Very special.”
And, he thought, they didn't come much more special than Hitomi.
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Date: 2017-10-16 02:02 am (UTC)Thanks for participating in the challenge!
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Date: 2017-10-18 01:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-10-18 04:33 pm (UTC)